Helping Children Cope with Grief

I am never too late. I recently found out that Nov 15 – 21 is Children’s Bereavement Awareness Week. Wow. I had no idea a week like that existed. Maybe my subconscious knew, because I had been thinking of my Mom a lot lately. Like A LOT. Some positive, some negative thoughts. This is how it is when it comes to my Mom. Probably because she died when I was 11. Many things to unpack here: 1 month before my 12th birthday, 1 month after her 44th birthday, the morning after her, my sister and I watched a movie together, and the fact that I only knew her as a child would know her Mom. The Mom who makes your meals, who kisses you goodnight, who drops you off and picks you up, the one who gives you money to buy your favourite cavity-causing candies, the one who kisses your booboo better, the one who you curl up next to because it’s movie night and so popcorn and blankets are in order, the one who embarrasses you at Parent-Teacher Conferences because she’s a single Mother looking for love and your 5th grade teacher Mr. McShane is a tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed male with a deep voice and a great sense of humor so who cares if he has a wife and kids because she’ll hit on him anyway and say “Ow!” really loudly while glaring at you because you kicked her under the table because your kid brain reasoned she should absolutely NOT hit on him. I also knew her as the one who would not hesitate to give me an old-fashioned ass whooping because don’t forget she was born and raised in Trinidad and licks is a very effective means for a child to stop their foolishness. I knew her as a child knows her Mother, and she died in the way a child who knows her Mother would die, wondering Who will fix my breakfast now? And who will kiss me goodnight? And all the other things that a child would wonder about because their Mother is no longer alive.

There are a couple things that helped me along in my grief journey as a child and things that did not. Here are my recommendations for dealing with grieving children:

Do remember that this is not a fairy-tale or our favourite movie. It is real life and should be treated as such. We don’t need dragons and wizards to explain what happened to our parent.

Do not tell us that our Mommy went to a far, far away land and won’t be back for some time. You will confuse us, keep us in perpetual anticipation, and we may resent you and our dead parent.

Do sit down with us to tell us what happened and eliminate all distractions like TV or radio so you can have our full attention.

Do not belittle us in an attempt to hide the truth from us.

Do use plain language so that we understand the permanence of what happened.

Do not tell us that our Mommy’s gone, but her spirit remains; that is too ethereal for us and will scare the shit out of us.

Do take us shopping and buy us something nice. It will provide temporary comfort and we’ll see that there are other good people in the world who care for us.

Do not assume that we will associate death with frivolous spending or see you as our new Mommy simply because you took us shopping.

Do invite us to go on a nature walk with you. And when you take us, say nothing.

Do not act any differently than you normally would had our parent still been alive.

Do engage in play with us. That means play our games, not yours, and follow our lead.

Do not try to be our therapist and draw meaning from what we play with and how we play.

Do ask us how we feel or to explain what our drawings mean.

Do not ignore signs we may need professional help, such as changes in play, sleep, appetite, or behaviour that progressively worsen over time.

Do let us stay up late the night of our parent’s death. Bedtime is not important that day.

Do not throw all rules out the window because you feel sorry for us. We are still children and need guidance and protection.